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" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

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" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "