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" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

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" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "