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" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

Dennis Miller

They Say

Internet

Fence

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" I lapsed into rude. "

Dennis Miller

Rude

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

Dennis Miller

World

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

Dennis Miller

Cats

Planet

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

Dennis Miller

Funny

Therefore