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" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "
Dennis Miller
Someone
Money
Never
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" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
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" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
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" I rant, therefore I am. "
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" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "
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" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "
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" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
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" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "
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" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "
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" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "
Dennis Miller
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" I lapsed into rude. "
Dennis Miller
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" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
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" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "
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Marriage
Hollywood
" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "
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Man
" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
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" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
Dennis Miller
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" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "
Dennis Miller
Care
Smiling
Enough
" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "
Dennis Miller
Kind
Think
Conservative
" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
Dennis Miller
More
World
Like
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "
Dennis Miller
She
Life
Politics
" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "
Dennis Miller
Lives
Been
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" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "
Dennis Miller
Make
Some
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" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Off
Nation
" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "
Dennis Miller
Game
Me
People
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
Dennis Miller
People
Reaction
Trying
" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "
Dennis Miller
People
Fight
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" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "
Dennis Miller
Thought
Nothing
Enough