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" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

Dennis Miller

Kind

Think

Conservative

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" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

Dennis Miller

Cats

Planet

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

Dennis Miller

Game

People

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

Dennis Miller

World

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

Dennis Miller

Credibility

Comedian

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

Dennis Miller

Rude

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

Dennis Miller

Cheese

Washington

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "