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" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

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" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "