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" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

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" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "