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" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

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" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

Dennis Miller

People

Fight

Country

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

Dennis Miller

Cats

Planet

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

Dennis Miller

Cheese

Washington

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

Dennis Miller

American

Education

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

Dennis Miller

Funny

Therefore

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

Dennis Miller

World

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "