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" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

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" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "