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" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

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" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "