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" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

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" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "