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" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

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" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "