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" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "
Dennis Miller
More
American
Education
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" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "
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Tell
Going
Iraq
" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "
Dennis Miller
Playboy
Guilt
Reason
" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
Dennis Miller
Edge
Wrong
Top
" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
Dennis Miller
You
Run
Study
" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "
Dennis Miller
Death Penalty
Way
Life
" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "
Dennis Miller
Play
Pay Attention
Games
" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "
Dennis Miller
Thousand
Right
Writer
" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
Dennis Miller
Now
Light
Lights
" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
Dennis Miller
Much
Only
Problem
" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "
Dennis Miller
They Say
Internet
Fence
" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
Dennis Miller
People
Reaction
Trying
" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "
Dennis Miller
She
Life
Politics
" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "
Dennis Miller
Care
Smiling
Enough
" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "
Dennis Miller
Another
Voltaire
Man
" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good
" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "
Dennis Miller
Doing
You
God
" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "
Dennis Miller
Kind
Think
Conservative
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "
Dennis Miller
White
Support
Away
" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
Dennis Miller
Cats
Planet
More
" I rant, therefore I am. "
Dennis Miller
Am
Funny
Therefore
" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Off
Nation
" I lapsed into rude. "
Dennis Miller
Rude
" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
Dennis Miller
Cheese
DC
Washington
" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "
Dennis Miller
Someone
Money
Never
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "
Dennis Miller
Than
Day
Ray
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
Dennis Miller
More
World
Like
" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
Dennis Miller
Clueless
Help
Helpless