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" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

Dennis Miller

People

Reaction

Trying

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" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

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" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

Dennis Miller

Cheese

Washington

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

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Comedian

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

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Cats

Planet

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

Dennis Miller

Funny

Therefore

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

Dennis Miller

Game

People

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

Dennis Miller

American

Education