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" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

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" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "