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" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

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" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "