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" I lapsed into rude. "

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" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

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" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

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" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "