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" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

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" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "