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" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

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" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "