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" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

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" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "