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" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

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" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" I like children - fried. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "