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" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

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" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" I like children - fried. "