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" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

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" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "