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" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "
W. C. Fields
Electricity
Chair
I Am
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" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "
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Most
Experience
Beautiful
" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "
W. C. Fields
Nothing
Days
Food
" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Food
Funny
" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "
W. C. Fields
Live
Remember
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" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "
W. C. Fields
Off
Say
Easy
" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "
W. C. Fields
Another
Up
Living
" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
W. C. Fields
She
You
Impress
" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "
W. C. Fields
Will
Prosperity
Far
" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "
W. C. Fields
Life
Had
Over
" Never give a sucker an even break. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Give
Break
" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "
W. C. Fields
Quit
Fool
Succeed
" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "
W. C. Fields
Even
You
Water
" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia
Die
Paris
" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "
W. C. Fields
Up
Nerves
Scotch
" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "
W. C. Fields
Man
Poor
Rich
" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia
Sunday
Once
" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "
W. C. Fields
I Am
Hate
Am
" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "
W. C. Fields
Drown
Where
Whiskey
" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "
W. C. Fields
House
Like
Little
" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "
W. C. Fields
Drink
Home
Worry
" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
W. C. Fields
Favorable
Both
Head
" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "
W. C. Fields
Never
Courtesy
Drink
" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "
W. C. Fields
Took
Some
Cork
" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "
W. C. Fields
Bad
Children
Animals
" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "
W. C. Fields
Vote
Against
Anyone
" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "
W. C. Fields
Blonde
Beautiful
She
" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "
W. C. Fields
People
Betting
Horse
" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "
W. C. Fields
Pancakes
Over
Man
" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "
W. C. Fields
Bearded
Women
Were
" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "
W. C. Fields
Start
Smile
Off