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" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
W. C. Fields
She
You
Impress
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" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "
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" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "
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" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
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" I must have a drink of breakfast. "
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" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "
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" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "
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" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "
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" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "
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Days
Food
" I drink therefore I am. "
W. C. Fields
Drink
I Am
Therefore
" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "
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Water
Drink
Stuff
" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "
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" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "
W. C. Fields
Always
I See
Keep
" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "
W. C. Fields
Never
Courtesy
Drink
" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "
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Bad
Children
Animals
" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia
Die
Paris
" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "
W. C. Fields
Pancakes
Over
Man
" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia
Sunday
Once
" I never met a kid I liked. "
W. C. Fields
Kid
Met
Liked
" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "
W. C. Fields
Bearded
Women
Were
" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "
W. C. Fields
Another
Up
Living
" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "
W. C. Fields
Real
Drink
Ahead
" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "
W. C. Fields
You
Answer
Call
" Never give a sucker an even break. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Give
Break
" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "
W. C. Fields
Snake
Always
Small
" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "
W. C. Fields
Me
Decency
Drink
" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "
W. C. Fields
Better
Like
Nothing
" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "
W. C. Fields
Start
Smile
Off
" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "
W. C. Fields
Doubt
Crazy
Women
" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "
W. C. Fields
Electricity
Chair
I Am
" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "
W. C. Fields
Even
You
Water