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" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

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" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "