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" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

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" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "