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" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
Dennis Miller
Cats
Planet
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" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "
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" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "
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" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
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" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
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" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
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" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "
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" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
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" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
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" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "
Dennis Miller
I Can
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" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "
Dennis Miller
Playboy
Guilt
Reason
" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "
Dennis Miller
Thought
Nothing
Enough
" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "
Dennis Miller
Global Warming
Radical
Right
" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "
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Play
Pay Attention
Games
" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "
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Than
Elected
Office
" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "
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Doing
You
God
" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
Dennis Miller
People
Reaction
Trying
" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "
Dennis Miller
Make
Some
Sell
" I lapsed into rude. "
Dennis Miller
Rude
" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "
Dennis Miller
Care
Smiling
Enough
" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
Dennis Miller
Edge
Wrong
Top
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "
Dennis Miller
Someone
Money
Never
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "
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Bad
Cart
Eating
" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "
Dennis Miller
Another
Voltaire
Man
" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "
Dennis Miller
Kind
Think
Conservative
" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "
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Being
Funny
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" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "
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License
Marriage
Hollywood
" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "
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Game
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People
" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "
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Best
America
World