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" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

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" I lapsed into rude. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "