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" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

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" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

Dennis Miller

God

You

Good

" I rant, therefore I am. "

Dennis Miller

Funny

Therefore

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

Dennis Miller

Credibility

Comedian

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

Dennis Miller

Cheese

Washington

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

Dennis Miller

World

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

Dennis Miller

Game

People

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

Dennis Miller

American

Education