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" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "
Dennis Miller
Best
America
World
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" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "
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Education
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" I lapsed into rude. "
Dennis Miller
Rude
" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "
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People
Fight
Country
" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "
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Support
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" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
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You
Run
Study
" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
Dennis Miller
Clueless
Help
Helpless
" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "
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Lives
Been
Less
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
Dennis Miller
Now
Light
Lights
" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
Dennis Miller
Much
Only
Problem
" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "
Dennis Miller
She
Life
Politics
" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "
Dennis Miller
Than
Elected
Office
" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
Dennis Miller
More
World
Like
" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "
Dennis Miller
Being
Funny
You
" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "
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Job
Off
Nation
" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "
Dennis Miller
License
Marriage
Hollywood
" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "
Dennis Miller
Thousand
Right
Writer
" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "
Dennis Miller
More
American
Education
" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "
Dennis Miller
Death Penalty
Way
Life
" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
Dennis Miller
Cats
Planet
More
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
Dennis Miller
Edge
Wrong
Top
" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "
Dennis Miller
Than
Day
Ray
" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
Dennis Miller
People
Reaction
Trying
" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "
Dennis Miller
Tell
Going
Iraq
" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "
Dennis Miller
Thought
Nothing
Enough
" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "
Dennis Miller
I Can
Balloon
Why
" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "
Dennis Miller
Immigrants
House
White