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" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

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" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "