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" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good
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" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "
Dennis Miller
White
Support
Away
" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "
Dennis Miller
More
American
Education
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "
Dennis Miller
Thought
Nothing
Enough
" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "
Dennis Miller
Thousand
Right
Writer
" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "
Dennis Miller
Born
First
First Time
" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "
Dennis Miller
Make
Some
Sell
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "
Dennis Miller
Death Penalty
Way
Life
" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "
Dennis Miller
License
Marriage
Hollywood
" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Off
Nation
" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
Dennis Miller
People
Reaction
Trying
" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "
Dennis Miller
Lives
Been
Less
" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "
Dennis Miller
I Can
Balloon
Why
" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
Dennis Miller
Cats
Planet
More
" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "
Dennis Miller
Global Warming
Radical
Right
" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "
Dennis Miller
Game
Me
People
" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "
Dennis Miller
People
Fight
Country
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "
Dennis Miller
Immigrants
House
White
" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
Dennis Miller
More
World
Like
" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
Dennis Miller
Clueless
Help
Helpless
" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
Dennis Miller
Now
Light
Lights
" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
Dennis Miller
You
Run
Study
" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "
Dennis Miller
They Say
Internet
Fence
" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "
Dennis Miller
Kind
Think
Conservative
" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "
Dennis Miller
Best
America
World
" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "
Dennis Miller
Someone
Money
Never
" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
Dennis Miller
Much
Only
Problem
" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
Dennis Miller
Cheese
DC
Washington