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" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
Dennis Miller
Cheese
DC
Washington
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" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "
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" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "
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" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "
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" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "
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America
World
" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "
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" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
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Business
Fight
Moment
" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "
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They Say
Internet
Fence
" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
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Clueless
Help
Helpless
" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
Dennis Miller
You
Run
Study
" I lapsed into rude. "
Dennis Miller
Rude
" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "
Dennis Miller
Playboy
Guilt
Reason
" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "
Dennis Miller
Global Warming
Radical
Right
" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
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Edge
Wrong
Top
" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "
Dennis Miller
People
Fight
Country
" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "
Dennis Miller
Tell
Going
Iraq
" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
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Much
Only
Problem
" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "
Dennis Miller
White
Support
Away
" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "
Dennis Miller
Thousand
Right
Writer
" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "
Dennis Miller
Born
First
First Time
" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "
Dennis Miller
Bad
Cart
Eating
" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "
Dennis Miller
Death Penalty
Way
Life
" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good
" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "
Dennis Miller
Than
Elected
Office
" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "
Dennis Miller
License
Marriage
Hollywood
" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "
Dennis Miller
Doing
You
God
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "
Dennis Miller
Someone
Money
Never
" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
Dennis Miller
Now
Light
Lights
" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "
Dennis Miller
I Can
Balloon
Why
" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "
Dennis Miller
Lives
Been
Less