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" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

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" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "