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" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

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" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "