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" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

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" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" I like children - fried. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "