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" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

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" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "