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" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

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" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" I like children - fried. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "