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" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

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" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "