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" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

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" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" I like children - fried. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "