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" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

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" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" I like children - fried. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "