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" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

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" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" I like children - fried. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "