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" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

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" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "