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" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "
W. C. Fields
Took
Some
Cork
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" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "
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Bad
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Animals
" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
W. C. Fields
Favorable
Both
Head
" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "
W. C. Fields
Pancakes
Over
Man
" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "
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Actor
Devil
Great
" Never give a sucker an even break. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Give
Break
" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "
W. C. Fields
Out
World
Place
" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "
W. C. Fields
Always
I See
Keep
" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "
W. C. Fields
Like
Own
Want
" I like children - fried. "
W. C. Fields
Like
Children
Fried
" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "
W. C. Fields
Wrong
Money
Sucker
" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "
W. C. Fields
Live
Remember
Swim
" I never met a kid I liked. "
W. C. Fields
Kid
Met
Liked
" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
W. C. Fields
She
You
Impress
" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "
W. C. Fields
Most
Experience
Beautiful
" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "
W. C. Fields
Night
You
She
" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "
W. C. Fields
Even
You
Water
" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "
W. C. Fields
Me
Decency
Drink
" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "
W. C. Fields
Politics
Never
Always
" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "
W. C. Fields
Nothing
Days
Food
" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "
W. C. Fields
Vote
Against
Anyone
" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "
W. C. Fields
Doubt
Crazy
Women
" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Food
Funny
" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "
W. C. Fields
Closed
Philadelphia
Week
" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "
W. C. Fields
Drink
Home
Worry
" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "
W. C. Fields
I Am
Hate
Am
" I drink therefore I am. "
W. C. Fields
Drink
I Am
Therefore
" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "
W. C. Fields
Them
Brilliance
Bull
" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "
W. C. Fields
Snake
Always
Small
" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "
W. C. Fields
Real
Drink
Ahead
" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "
W. C. Fields
Water
Drink
Stuff