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" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "
W. C. Fields
Off
Say
Easy
Related Quotes:
" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "
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Fool
Succeed
" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "
W. C. Fields
Snake
Always
Small
" I drink therefore I am. "
W. C. Fields
Drink
I Am
Therefore
" Never give a sucker an even break. "
W. C. Fields
Even
Give
Break
" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia
Die
Paris
" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "
W. C. Fields
Should
Again
Children
" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "
W. C. Fields
Live
Remember
Swim
" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "
W. C. Fields
Night
You
She
" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "
W. C. Fields
Water
Drink
Stuff
" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "
W. C. Fields
Closed
Philadelphia
Week
" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "
W. C. Fields
Pancakes
Over
Man
" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "
W. C. Fields
People
Betting
Horse
" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "
W. C. Fields
Pet
Cat
Rat
" I must have a drink of breakfast. "
W. C. Fields
Must
Breakfast
Drink
" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
W. C. Fields
Favorable
Both
Head
" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "
W. C. Fields
Wrong
Money
Sucker
" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "
W. C. Fields
Another
Up
Living
" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "
W. C. Fields
Me
Decency
Drink
" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "
W. C. Fields
Me
Nothing
Travel
" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "
W. C. Fields
Took
Some
Cork
" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "
W. C. Fields
Electricity
Chair
I Am
" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "
W. C. Fields
Bearded
Women
Were
" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "
W. C. Fields
Them
Brilliance
Bull
" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "
W. C. Fields
House
Like
Little
" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "
W. C. Fields
Life
Had
Over
" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
W. C. Fields
She
You
Impress
" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "
W. C. Fields
Blonde
Beautiful
She
" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "
W. C. Fields
Drown
Where
Whiskey
" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "
W. C. Fields
Better
Like
Nothing
" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "
W. C. Fields
Know
Here
Everything