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" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
W. C. Fields
Favorable
Both
Head
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" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "
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" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "
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" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "
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" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "
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" I must have a drink of breakfast. "
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" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "
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" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "
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" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "
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" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "
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" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "
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" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "
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" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
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" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "
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" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "
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" I like children - fried. "
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" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "
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" Never give a sucker an even break. "
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" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "
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" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "
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" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "
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" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "
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" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "
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" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "
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" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "
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Philadelphia
Sunday
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" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "
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" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "
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" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "
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