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" I get a stack of scripts, like, once a month, and most of the time, you find these placeholder girls that are there to provide a bounce for the male character. So we know he's funny because she's serious and she's mad at him. We know he's strong because she needs saving. So really, her job is to validate this personality trait of our hero or male. "

Amber Heard

Time

Character

" I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and that has its problems. And then I'll go out with the funny guy. It's almost like the funny guy has more to prove. "

Jennifer Coolidge

Funny

Good-Looking

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. "

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "

" I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. "

" When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. "

" If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. "

" There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. "

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

" Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

Joan Rivers

God

Over

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

Edward Abbey

Funny

" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "

Jon Hamm

Funny

Good

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

" When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding. "

" All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

" Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. "

" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "